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Waitress

I have been at work for a few days and have finally settled in. I do find challenges every now and then not only when it gets very busy and the kitchen is running slow, but when my anxiety acts up.

My boss isn’t aware of my mental struggle as I haven’t made her aware of it but it does get difficult especially during confrontations.

I have really seen progress in my social skills and am always grateful for this job. I thank God for providing it and allowing me to be able to work.

From now, ’til later

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Adulthood

As a writer begins their new chapter of their novel,they use the previous chapters in order to progress the story.

However,it seems as if moving on from high school I don’t have much to take from my previous chapters in life. I have begun waitressing at a beautiful coffee shop in a quaint little town. The people here are acquaint with one another,warm hearted and the workers at the coffee shop are the same, maybe even better.

I feel as if I have made progress in a sense of routine,people skills and taking orders. However, I am still very scared of losing this job. Since the day j had learned to bake, I wanted to own my own café,have everything homemade and in a similar environment to the one I currently work at.

I can’t help but feel as if they may think i am not suitable for the job. I do love working here but just lack a bit of the experience and routine.

My ideal new chapter would be to be at university, having already met new friends and fawned over new men and moving forward to a degree- exactly what 12 years of school had prepared me for.

My current story isn’t ideal for the time period, however it is the present. I am working hard here for me to be able to,in my next chapter,use this as a reference to further my story.

I am greatly for the opportunity god gave me by blessing me, and my family,with this job and hope to do it with my full availabilities, and also keep my bosses happy with my work. I have a wonderful reputation to keep up and hope I do.

From now ’til later

The imfamou

im supposed to be happy? They say there are an increase in teen suicide around January, mainly because of matric results.

 

Ive ended high school on a good, not great but good, note. I had friends who care about me, many laughter moments that led to tears of joy. Most importantly I was awake.

Right now, I’m in the black hole again and I’m not sure yet if I’ll make it out. I he a bottle of about 70+ paracetamols and I know that taking enough, I will soon dissolve into the universe as they do into my body. Slowly dissipating I may feel a lot of regret, so what will happen if I can’t turn back…

 

im not numb, I think I’m past that onto the even scarier: empty.

As stuck up as this may sound, I wanted to go out with friends last night as a reminder that I’m still here, I still matter to someone and, if I flirt with a guy or two, that I have someone who has the potential to love me.

but the question will rise of will be still love me when I’m in the black hole, will he rescue me out of it or will he leave me to be torn apart.

 

im holding on to see me uncle and cousin, because maybe the. I’ll be saved, my light will return and I’ll feel the warmth of the sun again…

i wonder

i wonder what would happen

if i left today

with things be different

or will they stay the same?

If i leave this world behind

will there be another place where my thoughts will be kind.

if this is the world in which generations to come live in,

count me out.

if this is the reality my children will face,

count me out.

if this is the life that my parents determined,

count me out

if this was the emotion my grandparents faced

i wonder if they could still count me out.

another

i see him walk by everyday

i look past him because of the fear to say

just how i truly feel

because his heart belongs to another.

 

i see him walk by everyday –

i try to say the words i fear most

there was a day i came close

but was reminded he belongs to another

 

i feel the pain inside,

knowing with every kiss

his heart resides

with another,

 

each kiss- stolen

each touch- chosen

by him to belong to another,

 

he smiles at me but he doesnt truly know

the feelings i hide- of which i will never show

Quantum effects, fears and black holes

its okay to be scared
_
We love, we hate and of all the emotions, to be scared is the one that controls us most.

I was speaking to a close friend of mine of impractical fears that we used to have when we were younger. Some listed were as follows: fear of the thunder or lightning, extreme weather and the most serious of our childhood was to be afraid of the dark.

As we grew up these fears changed and became more serious: fear of not passing with exceptional marks, being afraid of never finding true love and the fear of the inevitable. The way i see it is that the inevitable is constant darkness, so our childhood fear of the dark lives on with us.

Try visualizing fear as a black hole. A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—not even particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it. The theory of general relativity predicts that a sufficiently compact mass can deform spacetime to form a black hole. Now you know the definition let’s get to the point. Our fear is a black hole that lives inside us. The light is all the opportunities that arise and because of a fear in our lives (the black hole)we are too scared to get sucked in. Now we want to seize this opportunity but the black hole is not allowing our will and confidence in our abilities to come through, so the question arises how do we stop a black hole?

Hawking has suggested that matter can actually escape from black holes by quantum effects, and it would therefore be possible for a black hole to evaporate, but in an enormous amount of time. So that’s the answer,TIME. Everything takes time, our fears may disappear as quickly as they evolved or arose. It’s okay to be scared but don’t let the black hole suck in all your opportunities that eventually you become the black hole.

anxiety

To the people who don’t have anxiety maybe you can understand through this post how it affects people. To the people who do have anxiety I hope you can try relate to this text in a way to not feel alone and maybe help me through this.
a short disclaimer is that I don’t use anxiety as an excuse to get my way in any situation and i was in no way trying to hurt or offend anyone. I do know i was clouded and so apologise for anything that was said or done.

I am leaving for my holiday away with my family and was looking forward to it for a long time. I then found out yesterday that my sister’s boyfriend is coming with and I didn’t take it very well. here is why:

1.I don’t do well with strangers and it does make me feel uncomfortable being around new people. I easily introvert myself when im around people i dont know very well and that’s what ive been doing lately.

2. I always get scared when a new person comes around because I feel that it pushes me away from my family and makes me feel like i don’t have a place around them when someone new is with us. i know this sounds insane to some but it’s just how u am, i have a ‘fear’ you could say about being excluded from the people closes to me. i know no one was excluding me its just how i think about things.

I then had an amount of anger run through me because I felt as if I was going to be excluded from my sister and have no one to walk with or go somewhere because she would be with her boyfriend the whole time. again, I want to say that it’s just how i feel and i don’t mean to offend anybody.

I guess that its something that’s in the back of my mind. I don’t feel comfortable or feel as if I can be myself around new people so this situation was, and still is, hard for me to understand.

I guess that’s how things are and i wish i could understand a lot better on why I react to situations like this and become introverted but for now im just writing all of this on my blog. I have never understood why writing things down makes us feel better but thats what im doing now. Please don’t judge me on this, calling me rude or selfish or over dramatic. I dont fully understand why i dont want to be around new people but everyone has their inner fears and demons and this is mine.

from now ’til later

 xo

thoughts

I had a plan that I would write everyday be it something small or a topic id like to discuss so far that hasn’t happened and although it was something i was looking forward to i just need to accept its okay not to write everyday.

we set personal goals everyday and when we don’t achieve them we become very disappointed in ourselves and i became disappointed in the fact that i hadn’t posted anything since my first post. i then got to thinking that its okay not to have something to write everyday because id rather write when i feel comfortable and not as an obligation.

through this i also stopped to think that i have made plenty personal short-term goals regarding next year and i just need to keep it as a reminder that i don’t need to achieve every single one of them as ling as i know i tried and i enjoyed every second of it.

so if you’re working on a goal just remember its okay if it’s not all going to plan because nothing in life is perfect as long as you know youre trying your best and  most importantly having fun.

for now, ’till later.

xo

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