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i wonder

i wonder what would happen

if i left today

with things be different

or will they stay the same?

If i leave this world behind

will there be another place where my thoughts will be kind.

 

if this is the world in which generations to come live in

count me out.

if this is the reality my children will be placed

count me out.

if this is the life that my parents determined

count me out

if this was the emotion my grandparents faced

i wonder if they could still count me out.

 

 

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another

i see him walk by everyday

i look past him because of the fear to say

just how i truly feel

because his heart belongs to another.

 

i see him walk by everyday –

i try to say the words i fear most

there was a day i came close

but was reminded he belongs to another

 

i feel the pain inside,

knowing with every kiss

his heart resides

with another,

 

each kiss- stolen

each touch- chosen

by him to belong to another,

 

he smiles at me but he doesnt truly know

the feelings i hide- of which i will never show

Quantum effects, fears and black holes

its okay to be scared
_
We love, we hate and of all the emotions, to be scared is the one that controls us most.

I was speaking to a close friend of mine of impractical fears that we used to have when we were younger. Some listed were as follows: fear of the thunder or lightning, extreme weather and the most serious of our childhood was to  be afraid of the dark.

As we grew up these fears changed and became more serious: fear of not passing with exceptional marks, being afraid of never finding true love and the fear of the inevitable. The way i see it is that the inevitable is constant darkness, so our childhood fear of the dark lives on with us.

Try visualizing fear as a black hole. A black hole is a region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—not even particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it. The theory of general relativity predicts that a sufficiently compact mass can deform spacetime to form a black hole. Now you know the definition let’s get to the point. Our fear is a black hole that lives inside us. The light is all the opportunities that arise and because of a fear in our lives (the black hole)we are too scared to get sucked in. Now we want to seize this opportunity but the black hole is not allowing our will and confidence in our abilities to come through, so the question arises how do we stop a black hole?

Hawking has suggested that matter can actually escape from black holes by quantum effects, and it would therefore be possible for a black hole to evaporate, but in an enormous amount of time. So that’s the answer,TIME. Everything takes time, our fears may disappear as quickly as they evolved or arises. It’s okay to be scared but don’t let the black hole suck in all your opportunities that eventually you become the  black hole.

anxiety

To the people who don’t have anxiety maybe you can understand through this post how it affects people. To the people who do have anxiety I hope you can try relate to this text in a way to not feel alone and maybe help me through this.
a short disclaimer is that I don’t use anxiety as an excuse to get my way in any situation and i was in no way trying to hurt or offend anyone. I do know i was clouded and so apologise for anything that was said or done.

I am leaving for my holiday away with my family and was looking forward to it for a long time. I then found out yesterday that my sister’s boyfriend is coming with and I didn’t take it very well. here is why:

1.I don’t do well with strangers and it does make me feel uncomfortable being around new people. I easily introvert myself when im around people i dont know very well and that’s what ive been doing lately.

2. I always get scared when a new person comes around because I feel that it pushes me away from my family and makes me feel like i don’t have a place around them when someone new is with us. i know this sounds insane to some but it’s just how u am, i have a ‘fear’ you could say about being excluded from the people closes to me. i know no one was excluding me its just how i think about things.

I then had an amount of anger run through me because I felt as if I was going to be excluded from my sister and have no one to walk with or go somewhere because she would be with her boyfriend the whole time. again, I want to say that it’s just how i feel and i don’t mean to offend anybody.

I guess that its something that’s in the back of my mind. I don’t feel comfortable or feel as if I can be myself around new people so this situation was, and still is, hard for me to understand.

I guess that’s how things are and i wish i could understand a lot better on why I react to situations like this and become introverted but for now im just writing all of this on my blog. I have never understood why writing things down makes us feel better but thats what im doing now. Please don’t judge me on this, calling me rude or selfish or over dramatic. I dont fully understand why i dont want to be around new people but everyone has their inner fears and demons and this is mine.

from now ’til later

 xo

thoughts

I had a plan that I would write everyday be it something small or a topic id like to discuss so far that hasn’t happened and although it was something i was looking forward to i just need to accept its okay not to write everyday.

we set personal goals everyday and when we don’t achieve them we become very disappointed in ourselves and i became disappointed in the fact that i hadn’t posted anything since my first post. i then got to thinking that its okay not to have something to write everyday because id rather write when i feel comfortable and not as an obligation.

through this i also stopped to think that i have made plenty personal short-term goals regarding next year and i just need to keep it as a reminder that i don’t need to achieve every single one of them as ling as i know i tried and i enjoyed every second of it.

so if you’re working on a goal just remember its okay if it’s not all going to plan because nothing in life is perfect as long as you know youre trying your best and  most importantly having fun.

for now, ’till later.

xo

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